Saying Goodbye to Isaac

 

We are so very fortunate to be family friends with Stroud Lawrence Funeral home in Chagrin Falls.

Not only are they a wonderful funeral home, but they are incredible people as well.

 

Saturday morning Judy Lawrence came to the hospital to pick up Isaac's tiny little body right from my hospital room.We all walked out of the hospital together that day
and for that I was so grateful.

 

Isaac had spent the night before swaddled in the hospital bassinet between my husband and I, just as we had with all of our other children the night after their births.

 

 

This was the time that we were given to spend with our son and we absorbed every moment of it. We held him, talked to him, took pictures of him, and memorized everything about him.

We talked of how he looked just like Owen did when he was born, how handsome he was, and how he had his daddy's nose and ears. He had big feet, big hands, and a lot of hair.

He resembled a skinny old man but looked as though he would have been a big boy by birth.
 

 

It was such a heartbreaking moment to hand over our little boy to be taken away to the funeral home. In that moment I was so grateful to know who I was handing him over to and that he was in safe hands.

 

We walked down the hospital halls and parted ways. I reached out to the bag that carried my sons tiny body and feared that at that moment I might totally lose my grip on reality.

This was the first time that I was separated from him since he was conceived and that thought that he wasn't coming home with us was too overwhelming to even comprehend. It was that moment that my heart shattered in a million tiny pieces and I realized that

life as I knew it would never ever be the same again.

 

A piece of me died with him that day.

 

The funeral home allowed us to have a small private time for our immediate family to come and meet Isaac for the first time, hold him, and say their goodbyes.

It was such a celebration of life and everyone embraced the opportunity to spend the time that we had with him. He was held, and rocked, and loved on, and memorized.

We took pictures and shed tears.

Our family minister came and said a prayer for Isaac and for our family.

 

Each one of Isaac's siblings held him and studied him. They asked a lot of questions about him and gave him a lot of kisses. They wanted to know why he couldn't open his eyes and why we couldn't take him home with us.

 

 

 

Owen broke my heart.

He was so worried about leaving his baby brother at the funeral home.

"He will be all alone and what if someone takes him?!," he said.

My mother's heart broke for my son.

I reminded my sweet Owen by asking him,

"Where is Isaac?"

"Is he here?"

"No." Owen replied "He is in heaven with God."

 

 

Everyone left the room at the end of the evening leaving my husband and I to say our final goodbyes.

We held him and rocked him. We kissed him and memorized him just a little bit longer.

 

And then I sang to him his lullaby that I had planned to sing to him every night as I would lay him down to sleep for the last time.

 

Then we did the most difficult thing that I have ever had to do in my entire life...

to say goodbye and to let go of our son.

 

As quickly as the tears fell I remembered that he was not there, just as I had reminded Owen moments earlier...

For he was already in the arms of God.

 

A sense of peace filled my heart as we drove home for I knew that

he was already home. 

 

 

 

 (A special thank you to Stroud Lawrence Funeral Home, Judy Lawrence, Brian Rotenburger for making this transition as easy as possible for our family.)

 

 

 

 



Isaac My Little Lifesaver

I was not able to give Isaac the gift of life as a mother usually does.

Somehow he instead gave the gift of life to me.

 

When I was admitted to the hospital my blood levels were so low that the doctors were concerned that I was not going to make it.

Not only was my baby's life in danger, but now my life was as well.

This was something that until that point I hadn't considered.

Now I was faced with the fact that my four children could be left without a mother.

 

It was not my life that concerned me as much as my children's lives without me.

 

Isaac continued to hang in there though.

He hung on long enough for me to receive five blood transfusions, numerous iron infusions, and a PIC line was placed so that, if need be, they had access to give me blood, and give it to me quickly if necessary.

 

By the time Isaac was born my blood levels were up and stable.

 

 I was rushed to the  operating room for an emergency c-section but right before the doctor cut me open Isaac was born all on his own, sack and all. If I would have had to have a c-section it would have meant more blood loss.

 

The blood clot that had caused all of these issues all along came out with him measuring 11cm.

Numerous doctors had told me that it was the worst case they had ever seen. Somehow I had become the 1% statistic.

The clot caused the placenta to detach.

Somehow I was lucky enough not to hemorrhage, not to need a c-section, not to need a hysterectomy.

 

Somehow, by the grace of God, Isaac hung onto life long enough save mine.

 

I am so grateful for all of the gifts that Isaac has given and continues to show me every day.

 

When I couldn't give him life....he saved mine!

 

He saved my life and he strengthened my faith.

 

He is my son and he makes me so proud to be called his mother.

Isaac's Legacy

 

Every mother that has sat and nursed and fed a baby knows the special time this is between a mother and child.

Once we let go of Isaac and said goodbye to him for the last time I was left with one tangible gift that was souly for him and connected us....his milk.

As uncertain and as scary as it seemed, I knew deep down inside that the milk that my was making for Isaac could help other babies that could benefit from it's life saving qualities.

 

My milk....Isaac's milk is his legacy.

 

As hard as I thought that it would be I began pumping anyway. I curled up on the couch with Isaac's blanket, his picture in front of me, the breast pump beside me.

 

As the rhythmic "woah, woah, woah" came from the pump I wondered if this was a good idea.

 

And then...

the milk, Isaac's milk began to flow!

 

It was in that moment that I realized that this IS our special time together!

 

Our time to bond, our time for just us. The amazing part is that this special time set aside each day for us can benefit other babies in need of this lifesaving milk!

Isaac's gift to this world.

 

He is here! Isaac is here through his gift of milk donation.

He is here in my heart and in the hearts of those who love him and who have prayed for him.

He is here inspiring people through his story and yet....he never even took a breath of air.

You tell me that I inspire you?!....

He inspires me!

He is SO amazing that it takes my breath away!

I am so humbled and incredibly blessed to be his mother!

 

He is my inspiration.

 

He inspires me to keep breathing, even when it hurts.

 

What a blessing.

 

I am honored that God chose me.

 

It is SO easy to see the bad when things are hard....

but it is SO amazing when you find the good in all of the sadness.

 

It is a beautiful gift that only God can show us if we let Him.

The Blessing of Isaac

Isaac Christian Dahman

was born on Friday, January 11, 2013

at 5:51pm and went to be with the Lord at 7:35pm.

He weighed 1 lb. 4oz. and was 12 inches long.

 

Life is rushing by me right now....so fast that I sometimes find it difficult to breath.

It is as if I am standing still and life is happening around me.

Sleep is my favorite time of day. That is when life floats away and I am free to forget. I awake to remember that this is now my life.

 

Friday, January 11, 2013 at 5:51pm our sweet baby boy, Isaac was born. At 5:00pm my nurse and I were listening to his rhythmic heartbeat thumping away on the monitor. The next fifty-one minutes would forever change our lives. Contractions came suddenly, hard and fast, as if labor was forgotten. An ultrasound would show the faintest blip on the screen that not long before was a strong and healthy heartbeat.

The next thing I knew I was lying on the operating table. I couldn't breath into the mask fast enough as I thought of my baby struggling, clinging onto life. Through these moments I uttered the words "Please God, protect me and my baby." I drifted off to sleep as doctors prepared to do an emergency c-section to try to save my baby's life.

The next thing I knew I was waking up.

"We didn't have to cut you." they said. "He came out all on his own."

He was here.

There was a whole medical team huddled around him in the corner of the room trying to do all that they could medically to resuscitate him. I would be told later that they resuscitated him three times.

 

As they tried to take me into recovery I had to yell at them to stop!

 

I knew that in that moment I many not get to tell him all of the things that I wanted to tell my son. So, I made them stop so that he might hear these words.

"Isaac Christian, Mommy and Daddy love you so very much!" I yelled to him across the room.

And for a moment, everyone and everything stopped.

It was as if the doctors and nurses that were "doing their jobs" were awakened from the routineness of it to the reality of a mothers heartache.

It was as if, that moment in time, it was just a mother and her newborn son sharing their first meeting and everyone else in the room faded away.

Just as quickly, all of the hustle and bustle began and I was whisked away from my baby boy.

 

All I wanted was for my husband to be there with me.

He has always been there for every delivery.

This time it was so different as he rushed to be by my side

and into the uncertainty of our son's life.

 

By the time he got there Isaac was in my arms being kept alive artificially so that his daddy could hold him and see his beautiful face.

 

We were bombarded with all of the "options" that were not really options in Isaac's case but it seemed more of a courtesy and protocol for the hospital to offer.

 

I had prayed that, if this had happened, that God make it very clear to us what needed to happen...and He did.

 

There was no life and no response from his tiny fragile body. The machines and the medicine would only prologue the inevitable....

 

We had to let our baby go.

 

And so we did.

 

As I lay my children down to bed every night I sing to them this lullaby.

This is what I sang to my son as he opened his eyes for the first time to see the face of his Heavenly Father.

 

(to the tune of Edelweiss)

 

"May the Lord, Mighty God, bless and keep you forever.

Grant you peace, perfect peace, courage in every endeavour. 

Lift up your eyes and see His face, and His grace forever. 

May the Lord, Mighty God, bless and keep you forever." 

 

I love you my sweet, sweet Isaac...

"May the Lord watch between me and thee while we are absent one from the other."