Isaac's first birthday

It is a very difficult think to shop for and "celebrate" your son's first birthday that won't be with you to celebrate. None the less the day is a day to celebrate the life that he lived and the milestone in our family...his 1st birthday.

There really isn't any appropriate party ware for a deceased child's birthday party. As I stood in front of the 1st birthday section at the party store I found nothing but hot tears running down my face. "HAPPY" Birthday? Somehow while the birthday was indeed what I was in search of the happy part wasn't quite apropos to this celebration.
I settled on plain blue plates with coordinating plaid blue and green napkins that were NOT located in the "HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY BABY BOY!" section.
I then went in search of cupcake toppers in search of the perfect blue bird topper that would represent him. Of course I found no such thing.
Oh, I found the "IT'S A BOY!" cup cake toppers as the frustration set in.
Not quite what I had, had in mind.
Again, I settled on suckers that were blue and said thank you in omage to my family for being there for us through this past year and to celebrate him with us that day.
Then I was on the hunt for Chinese lanterns...which of course...they had none.
Could You cut me a break here God! Throw me a bone...please!
            Balloons....I settle on "Happy Birthday" balloons in rainbow colors. There is that word again...happy...
And then the candle. You know, the number candle that you hope they are going to have in stock.

I pick up the  number 1 candle.

With candle in hand, appropriate for the milestone, I can't help but to stand there and stare at the number 0.
The appropriateness of it's value resonates in me and the tears fall.
All of the many milestones that could have been a part of this last year with him flash through my mind like a movie. And I stare at that number 0. A sore reminder of the great, great loss we have endured. Zero. Never has that number held more value to me before.

But then...she kicks.

I feel the hope of new life growing inside of me and I remember the new found hope that she brings.
I wipe away the tears and head to the check out so glad that this shopping trip is over.

Saturday, January 11th arrives and I am so grateful that it fell on a Saturday!
House is clean and we leave to go pick up food, cupcakes, and fill up those balloons.
You know, the ones that say happy on them...
A half an hour before my family is to arrive at my house I am standing at the counter of the same party store trying to fill up the happy balloons.

"That will be an hour wait." the lady behind the counter tells me.

Again. The tears fall as I stand looking at her.

"These balloons are for my son. Today would have been his first birthday, but he died."

"I am sorry mam." is all she can utter with a look of panic on her face.

Luckily she double checked the time and they said that it would only be 20 minutes.
We left to pick up the food and returned. My 12 balloons were ready.
I grabbed them and headed out into the crazy, rip the balloons right out of my hands, wind and held on for dear life.
BANG! BANG!
Those happy balloons began to pop and I headed back into the store showing them more of my tears. Luckily they quickly fixed them and we were on our way.
Of course my family was there waiting for us at our house when we arrived.
We ate and looked through his pictures.
Then I got out the cupcakes, lit the number 1 candle.
Everyone began to sing...
I got out the first two words, "Happy Birthday....and the tears fell and nothing more would come out of my mouth. Everyone finished the song without me,
"Happy Birthday dear Isaac, happy birthday to you." and then it hit me like a sucker punch to my stomach...DEAFENING SILENCE. In place of  "and many more!" SILENCE. Because there will be no more. The truth is there never actually was.
This was the hardest part of the day. Just a moment of silence as I blew out his first birthday candle.
And then we ate cake. Not happy birthday cake but birthday cake.
And it made me happy to celebrate him and his life. To remember the good, and to celebrate.

 

Then there were those happy birthday balloons.

We headed up the street to a church parking lot before darkness quickly set in.

Of course the wind blew so fierce I thought that we would never pull it off.

As we tried to untangle the balloons and hand them out to everyone I found myself in the same church parking lot as I had many months before.

Remember? The one where I was yelling at God asking Him why?! Why He took my son? Why he was punishing me? Why, why, why?

My how far I have come and how far He has brought me.

It was in this parking lot I again found myself praying to God,

"Please God, calm the wind. Please let is have a moment to release these happy balloons, please!"

I whispered.

 

No luck.

 

Everyone lined up with there balloons 2 red, 2 orange, 2 yellow, 2 green, 2 blue, and 2 purple,

twelve in all.

I stood behind my camera and snapped away hoping to get a decent picture.

And the wind raged on... 

hold on



release...

and then, in that moment of release, the wind stopped...

We let go and God answered my whispered prayer in the darkness.
As I stood there watching his balloons float away in the darkness I realized something...

God had always been there and he had answered my prayers.
It just wasn't in the way that I  had planned.
It never is though, is it?
Not our plans but His are ALWAYS the best laid plans.

HAPPY Birthday my sweet Isaac.
Thank you for all that you have brought to our family.
You will always be a part of us and we will always happily celebrate you.
You are loved.