Life Goes On

 

Life goes on.

It doesn't stop just because your heart has been shattered into a million tiny pieces or because a piece of you has died, never to return.
The world keeps turning. The sun rises and sets. Days come and go. Life goes on....without him.
We have this tendency in life to fall into a routine of doing the same thing day in and day out.
Don't get me wrong. I LOVE routine and organization in my life.
But falling back into routine has been so difficult when I should be starting a new routine.

I should be packing my hospital bag, making sure all of the baby clothes are washed, folded, and put away, making meals to put in the freezer, and preparing for our schedule to be thrown totally out of wack by a new baby joining the family.

Instead I have none of those things to worry about.

The baby things have been packed away, the hospital bag was never packed, and there is no need to stock the freezer with food.
Life is back to normal.....but it isn't. Nor will it ever be.
He should be arriving in a couple of weeks, instead, he has been gone for months.
Most things in life you can fix or do over again. Most things we can make it right and have a second chance.
There are no second chances in death (not on this earth anyway).

I think that is the hardest part...knowing that it will never be changed...fixed...or different.
It is finished.
Complete.
Final.

The joy and the laughter in life sometimes reminds us of the joy that we are missing that we would have had with them. That we had all planned out in our mind to have with them...a lifetime with them.
It is a piece of our life that we thought was going to be a part of ours that no longer belongs to us. That we will never see.

My faith is SO much bigger that all of the sadness and the emptiness that is felt sometimes.

I know deep down in my soul that I will see him again someday.

                                                                                                  Someday just seems so very far away.

As Angie Smith says: "It is a dance of grief and joy."

You want them to be here with you, you want to be there with them, but you are left somewhere in between.

I am so very blessed to have four children to invest in. They remind me how important each and every day is.
They are my life-force and He is my life-line.

I am so blessed for all that I have learned through all of this. I am a very different person, one that I wouldn't have been without walking through the life and death of my sweet baby boy, Isaac.

Thank you God for holding my hand, for carrying me through the difficult moments, for carrying me through the fire, and for whispering to me......

                                                      "I promise you that it is all worth it."